Just Live.

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How was this taken over 6 months ago?! I literally feel like it was yesterday.  I’ve been in a tunnel focusing all my energy on this one tiny little human that isn’t so tiny anymore and is crawling around and getting teeth and eating real food and babbling “moomm” more times in a day than I can count.  I just love him.  And it makes me want more.. I’m just scared to start again.  I don’t feel like it’s been long enough to start again! Like I said, it feels like him being 10 days old was yesterday.. But if I ask myself how far apart I want our kids, I get nervous to wait too long.

We want them somewhat close in age, but not too close.  Will there be a day I just feel ready? I just read all these stories about how second kids ruin marriages and total shit shows at Target.. which let me set the record straight- I am not perfect and will never be perfect and am totally cool with not always having it together in the years of raising small children.. but just thinking about being that mom you see a total mess who has lost her patience & feel terrible for. I don’t want to be her. And I feel like if we start adding on too soon, we’ll be in over our heads and I won’t be able to be the mom I want to be.  I don’t want to always be yelling at them to “stop that!” and “don’t do that!” and “no, don’t touch that!”.  I want to let them play without worrying they’ll ruin the entire house.  How can I do that?! Kids will be kids. They’ll test the limits. They’ll test my limits.  How can you prepare yourself for that?? I don’t know.  Reading books? Studying parenting? Does that sound silly? I mean you have learn to do anything, so how is being a mom any different? I have an idea of the kind of mom I want to be and a good way to ensure that happens is to know what that kind of mom does in certain situations.  So if I have a game plan when shit hits the fan, literally, maybe I can be that mom.  Because I’m not naive enough to believe that no matter what happens, no matter how many times I’ve had to tell the kids no or don’t do that, & they still do it that I’ll be able to keep my composure and not lose my patience.  And it’s in those times that I’ll show my kids what kind of mom I really am.. when they need me the most.

So here we are back again at the question, how far apart do I want our kids?  So far that it’s like having a threenager and a newborn at the same time or so close that I’ve practically got two toddlers getting into everything at the same time?  This is when it becomes too much to think about and I tell myself:  “Just live.  You can’t plan every. single. minute of your life, so don’t try.  What happens will happen and that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
For you
.”

xo.

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One thought on “Just Live.

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